The Elephant in the Room: What do We Mean By "Talking"?

Early in my career as a psychologist, I learned an important lesson.

When people first begin to tell me about conversations that they're having with their kids, partners, friends, or parents, and they say something like, "I talked to her about it," I've learned to ask, "What does 'talking' actually look and sound like?"

Why is that?

Well, "talking" sounds so reasonable. It sounds so calm.

But when you grow up in a family where hostility is the norm, "talking" could mean screaming and yelling.

When you grow up in a family where people avoid conflict at all costs, "talking" could mean an indirect hint or heavily weighted sigh.

So when I started a newsletter called Strong Enough To Talk -- based on the knowledge that it takes real emotional strength to speak in the way we need to in order to create deeper, more connected relationships -- well, I invited an elephant into the room.

Okay, it's called "Strong Enough To Talk."

So what does "talking" actually mean?

Let's set a foundation so we have a shared understanding of what "talking" is. When I write about "talking" in the service of creating more intimacy, having healthier conflict, and feeling closer to people, here's what I mean:

“Talking” isn’t:

• Accusing

• Attacking

• Name calling

• Obscuring

• Sarcasm

• Silence

• Bringing up issues while drunk or high

And “talking” is:

• Authentic

• Clear

• Honest

• In good faith

• Inward-focused

• Respectful

• Vulnerable

These elements, these tools, are powerful. They make up the groundwork of real communication. They can certainly feel intimidating to imagine using, but fortunately we'll talk more about the emotional skills that will help you navigate those tricky waters.

And if you're not sure what those attributes really sound like or how to use them? Then sign up for the Strong Enough To Talk newsletter to find out more.