Mistakes = Better Relationships? (Part 2)
People are often afraid of making mistakes in relationships because they think it will only hurt the relationship. But here's the thing:
Mistakes + ACCOUNTABILITY = Relationship Booster
Letting ourselves make more mistakes doesn't mean that we pretend they aren't going to have an impact. Many mistakes are harmless, but sometimes miscommunications and mistakes can hurt people.
BUT... usually this is only detrimental when we then don't take responsibility for our impact.
Remember that time I totally messed up?
When we let ourselves make mistakes, and then we take accountability for unintended impact they might cause, we actually BOOST our relationships.
Why?
Because doing so demonstrates that we're willing to be vulnerable (aka put our full, imperfect self out there), and we show people that we're willing to take ownership over how we impact others. These are both relationship-building attributes.
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So what does accountability look like? Here's a practical model that can transform ruptures into more trust and a stronger bond:
Ask About The Impact: Please don't rush past this. Find out more about about the other person's emotional experience. You're not gathering evidence about why they misheard you. You're offering them curiosity about their thoughts and feelings, and that's a big bond booster.
Apologize Clearly: Be direct, be concise, take ownership. It can be as simple as "I'm sorry that I hurt you when I said that." Avoid the "I'm sorry you felt that way," and "It's too bad that happened" platitudes. Those are not apologizes. They're dodges.
Learn From the Moment, Don't Repeat It: A big part of accountability is doing things differently next time. If you apologize for something and then continue doing it, it robs the apology of meaning. Continue embracing mistakes, but learn from the mistakes, and make new ones next time.
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REAL TALK: If you're struggling with the symptom of defensiveness and it prevents you from apologizing, you have some work to do before you're going to be able to be skilled at accountability. If you're in therapy already, consider spending a few weeks exploring what's happening for you around defensiveness. If you're not in therapy yet, but you live in CA and want help overcoming defensiveness so that you can feel more emotional freedom in your relationships, you can request a free, 15 min call so we can talk about starting treatment.