You can’t say, “You can’t.”
"You can't just go out with your friends and not tell me."
Have you ever said something like this to your partner, or a family member, or a close friend? Maybe the specifics are different, but the phrasing is similar: "You have to...", or "You can't just...". Or maybe it's the sentiment that's the same, something like "This is the way relationships works, so you need to follow the rules."
When we talk this way with people, we're doing ourselves and our relationships a real disservice. Instead of speaking in a personal, open way, we're talking about general ideas and shoulds.
Instead of sharing the intimacy of an experience between us and somebody we care about, we're speaking about distant rules. This way of speaking is defensive, and it prevents us from feeling closer to people even if we get what we want.
When I hear a patient frame things in that way, I find it's helpful to first support them in getting to know themselves. I might help them figure out:
What feelings came up for you in the situation?
If you notice anger or resentment, what happened first before those secondary reactions? Were you feeling hurt? Or scared? Or lonely? Or disappointed?
What part of those feelings are about this specific experience, and what is about your history? Whether it's wounds from past relationships, or tender spots from family issues growing up, how does your past shape how you experienced this moment?
The reason we do this work -- the reason we look behind our armor into what's happening to the person inside of it -- is that is helps us:
Connect more to ourselves
Free us from being forced by our past to see things one way
Give us the chance to speak about what's really going on for us in an vulnerable, honest, and inward-focused way.
This kind of work transforms how we talk with the people we want to be close to.
Instead of saying something that's guarded and emotionally distant like, "You can't just go out with your friends and not tell me," we might be able to say something open and clear, like "I was really looking forward to seeing you last night, and I was really hurt and disappointed that we didn't hang out."
If you're wanting to have deeper, more connected relationships, learning to translate "you have to" and "you can't" into something more personal and vulnerable is a powerful way to build those bonds.
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